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Divorce is rarely easy. It’s fraught with painful emotions. It dredges up our deepest fears. And makes us question who we are now that our marriage is over.
And those questions about who you are now can be incredibly difficult to answer when just making it through the day is challenging enough.
However, in order to heal and move on with your life, you must decide who you are now. Luckily, any decision you make now about your identity as you begin your healing process can always be adjusted as you feel better and stronger.
One of the simplest ways to begin finding and redefining yourself after divorce is to get very practical.
Look at the roles and responsibilities of daily life that your ex will no longer be taking care of.
You get to decide which of the things they did that you want to do. You also get to choose which you will find someone else to help you with.
When my ex and I decided to get divorced, I moved out. I loved the house I moved into. Yet there were things that needed to be fixed. And one of them was I needed a new kitchen faucet.
My ex had always been the one who took on the plumbing projects at our home. So, I knew I had a decision to make. Did I want to be someone who could do her own minor plumbing?
I chose to try my hand at plumbing. And I replaced my kitchen faucet. I can’t tell you how proud I felt! It may seem like a minor thing, but by replacing my faucet I showed myself that I was capable of solving the problems of daily life on my own.
Then, look at the things you and your ex did together to handle the responsibilities of life.
As I mentioned before, there were things that needed to be fixed in my new home. And another one of those things was the paint. Every room in my house was pink! Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the color pink, but it was a bit overwhelming painted on every wall.
Thinking about painting my entire house was overwhelming. When I was married it was something that my ex and I had done together. So, I decided that I would ask for help.
I talked with a few of my friends, and they agreed it would be fun to have a painting party. Talk about amazing friends!
My painting party helped me realize that I was a person who developed deep friendships. It also helped me know that I really liked this about me.
Finally, take a look at the roles and responsibilities you had in your marriage and decide which you want to continue owning.
When I was married to my first husband, I did the yardwork. This meant that I mowed the yard, trimmed the trees, planted the garden and, of course, dealt with the weeds. I used to enjoy doing this because it allowed me to be outside.
However, after my divorce, I realized that I didn’t really enjoy mowing the yard. So, I became a person who hired help for maintaining the yard. And this allowed me to have more time for other pursuits – like dating.
Once you have a handle on the daily responsibilities of being single and perhaps a single parent. You’ll be able to free up more space in your life for healing. And, before too long, you’ll feel the pull to begin exploring who you want to be now.
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Previously published here and reprinted with the author’s permission.
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