Do you feel wronged by the person you loved most?
It’s normal to be angry, especially when we’re hurting. It’s a natural part of the healing process, and there are many benefits when done the right way. Anger can help propel us forward and redirect our pain.
But we can’t stay there too long, or we’re the one who ends up paying.
It’s not always easy to forgive. In fact, sometimes it feels impossible — after all, divorce turns our life upside down. And sometimes, it wasn’t even our choice.
When I found out my ex cheated, my heart broke
I eventually found out it was an ongoing thing. She was young, and he had our money to spend on her. They fulfilled each other’s wants and desires — for a time at least.
His lies were a slap in the face I wasn’t expecting.
After twenty-two years and nine children, I had this gullible sense of security that we’d beaten the odds and could’ve made it through anything.
But I was dead wrong.
He’d moved on and set up his new life at least a year prior — I was just finding out. The humiliation, shame, and sadness were overwhelming. It hurt to go to our grocery store, our movie theater, our restaurant.
Everything was a brutal reminder of what was gone.
And then I got mad
Eventually, the shock and pain turned into anger and disgust.
How dare he do this to us? Our family. I’d given my life to him. I’d always put his needs before mine.
I had tried endlessly to make him happy. No matter what I did though, it was never enough — but that’s another story.
I stayed mad for a time. It helped me to see him — and our relationship for what it had become. I stopped accepting his blame for the affair and the breakdown of our marriage.
Anger can ignite the realization that we deserve better.
I needed to feel the anger to stop feeling the pain.
But I knew I couldn’t stay there too long. Even when we have justification, we’re better off letting it go.
Anger is a double-edged sword. It can hurt us if we’re not careful, transforming into resentment, rage, or the desire for revenge.
It’s not always easy to let the anger go, but it is possible.
Step 1 — Allow yourself time to grieve
Don’t forget to offer yourself compassion throughout this time
Divorce is one of the hardest things we go through.
It’s important to allow time to process the pain and anger. To acknowledge our hurt. After all, nobody gets married intending to get divorced. It takes time to get through it.
Time to let our hearts catch up with reality.
It’s okay not to be okay sometimes.
Step 2 — Prioritize your growth
If it’s not good for your health, mind, or body, let it go
It’s uncomfortable and vulnerable to sit with pain.
Finding a healthy way to process our emotions makes all the difference in our growth. It may feel easier to numb the pain by turning to alcohol or drugs, but this creates more suffering and only keeps us stuck.
When we’re newly divorced, there’s a sense of freedom that wasn’t there before. But choose to use the freedom to work toward improving yourself.
Challenge yourself to work on your health, mind, and body.
Try something you‘ve always wanted to do. Challenges occupy our minds, and they’re a perfect distraction. We always feel better when we’re achieving something new.
It’s hard to feel sad or mad when we’re feeling good.
Take care of yourself — physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You’ll feel more prepared to face the challenges.
Step 3 — Be willing to face the truth
Do an honest analysis of your marriage.
Analyzing our relationship is powerful. Take the time to find and process the facts.
Start with these questions:
- What were the strengths and weaknesses of the marriage?
- Did their actions meet their words? Did yours?
- Did you make an honest effort in the marriage? Did they?
- What could you have done differently? Them?
- Am I blaming them rather than owning up to my part? Are they?
- What lessons can I take from this?
Much realization comes from self-reflection
When we’re stuck in anger, it’s hard to see past the blame. We can’t always separate truth from fact when we’re operating from emotions.
Even if we feel like they ruined everything, it’s usually not the case. There are always two sides to the story. What they did might be undeniably wrong, but casting blame doesn’t help us move on.
It takes intentional work and effort to let go of anger.
And that means processing the pain, doing the work, and no longer blaming them for our situation.
Challenge yourself to find the lessons in your divorce.
Step 4 — Forgive
It’s no longer serving you, and it doesn’t hurt them.
It honestly doesn’t matter who’s to blame. It’s over and done, and we gain nothing by focusing on how they might have wronged us. Instead, when we shift the focus on moving forward, we do just that.
Forgiveness is not excusing their behavior.
It’s simply finding peace with the situation and accepting it for what it is. They don’t even have to know. The remarkable thing about forgiveness is that it frees our hearts and releases our anger and bitterness.
When we make a conscious choice to let the anger go, we stop spending our days thinking about what they did to us. We’re able to make clearer decisions and embrace new possibilities.
It allows us to have closure and create a new life.
Starting over
Divorce is a crushing experience. But it gets better with time, especially when we find the courage and strength to do the work. My divorce felt like a never-ending nightmare. But I understand now what it had become, and it feels more like a victory than a loss.
Divorce isn’t the end of the road; it’s just the end of that chapter in our life.
It’s a chance for our new beginning — and we all deserve that. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, it is possible to let go of anger. And when that happens, we begin creating our future rather than staying stuck in the past.
Use anger to help propel you forward. Don’t allow it to use you.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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The post Are You Still Angry About Your Divorce? appeared first on The Good Men Project.